He fled. Between honest declarations of love, sweat-soaked bed sheets, alkoholbetäubten nights and salty rain of depression, he escaped me.
fled Maybe it I, where I some thoughts - many thought all thoughts - ranked anxieties, fears and desires for trust in the same rickety, dusty chest deep in my head, in the even any memories of better - worse - Day in the mouths of hungry moths melted away and eventually disappeared.
because it made a difference to know who had rammed the knife of lies first in a broken heart? Did it make any difference to know who was first to notice the Vertrauenstod and climbed over the mouldering corpse?
After times of failure and promotion, of chaos and unrest, the changes are applied, the claws of the dark abyss of naked feet tied, was at some point the alienation and the realization that love alone was enough. That love alone would never be enough. That love alone - it is still so pink and beautiful and soulful and powerful, and completely across - was not enough to show the path that lay before you, continue to cross together.
We sang still, wrong, two pitches too high - or too dark - taken out of the rhythm and the same song. But we no longer reached. The sirens had begun their deadly silence, their shrill voices still echoed in our ears, hearts, heads, and with a smile we jumped hand in hand into the dark sea in which we were once swimming, drowned in our inability to identify the truth see, died in the arms of the past that gently caressed us. But I ignored
it. Blind eyes, silent calls, numb reality.
And he remained silent.
Days passed. Weeks passed. Months flew. A season after another greeted the world with a radiant smile and bright every dark moment of new beginning, it seemed only like the orchestra sounded loose and falling, dry autumn leaves.
Hello, her depression. As you tell me you had dulled with your destructive, wild dances. As the tumor from my trouble and pain every day in me swelled and lifted the spirits. As the concerns seemed insurmountable tower. How worthless those gray-blue eyes in the mirror staring back.
I earned it at all, to be loved? I earned it to be? I earned it a part of something much bigger to exist? And no when I lay under the queen and she scratched the sore skin. And no when I was sitting on the lion and met your lips to dry. And no, no, no when I watched the two rulers from afar and imagined what it was when the lightning struck on the thunder. No when I knelt in front of my father - submissive, small, childlike, so small, small, small - and it tried to heal, to better strengthen. No when I huddled in the corner lounged me himself hated, punished, corroded.
I earned it at all to live? In life, to dwell, but where I was dead inside for so long? to own life?
"No," I said aloud.
"What?" In the eyes of the Queen danced a brief moment, a laugh, before it is hidden behind the back of panic.
"No, no, no, no, no ."
"It was just a suggestion." I watched her hesitantly raised his arm and then let it fall again. Instead, they offered me consolation in the shape of her cigarette. "Only one alternative. Calm down. "
" No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no -"
"If you're still so hysterical herumschreist, I hit you one."
I snatched from the burning cigarette her hand, sat on the floor screwed up, just the face. "Can you please exceptionally any sexual benefits drawn from my anguish?"
you smiled. Getting warmed up. Honest. Compassionate. And then cold again. Sarcastic. Pejorative. In her pupils black shadows danced by indefinable feelings. "So, what do you do instead?" She wondered. The few seconds seemed like centuries. "Three syllables, ends with -ung, rhymes with"
Yes. I mean ... no. I mean, yes . Yes. "Another pause. "Yes, yes, yes. Yes. And I will not tell him. Neither do you. Got it? "
She shrugged her shoulders bored. "One thing is between you. I support you in all your decisions. "I once again drew on his cigarette and pushed it from my side. She watched me and added, "Even if I do not exactly, um, nice find. Not that I would bet my cigarette supply it, but I think he will not just be amazed when you tell him later casually - , oh, you remember, then, in December, two weeks where I did not want to sleep with you? Because I had just aborted our child. Sorry. Good luck next time ' Something in me says that he will not dismiss an exception with a nod. Could be my crazy human nature. "
" Or the voices in your head, "I added. She shrugged her shoulders again, this time with a gentle smile. "And secondly - there will be no next time."
"I've always said, then followed, during my first pregnancy ... "A wrong defined head, a nostalgic sigh from a hysterical giggle. "God, you know what strikes me? I was pregnant earlier this year and now it's you. This is just like that. "Moaning. " Karma, baby "
"No suitable time for jokes."
"You also have a stick in the ass and are a grouch. Be glad. You have life in you. Fucking fucking miracle. Your eyes always shine - oh, you cry. Sorry. "
We were silent for a long time to us. The queen was playing with her hair, humming to himself, and I sat on the ground before her and cried because - because I was crying ... really?
"Look," she said, between the fifth and sixth cigarette and threw the man who gave us a disapproving look as he entered the medical building to an annoyed look. "Everything is fine. You take the appointment. I accompany you to any crap that you need to clarify before and after. I am there. And then - it just nothing happened. Not a word to him. "
the last sentence struck me in the face with a force, worse than any slap, which I had been given in life ever. "That's the point. , Not a word to him, ". Understand you? "I licked my lips and tasted the disappointment and suddenly the rage in the tears ran down my face constantly. "We no longer communicate. He hides things. I hide it matters. What does this make sense? Should be so a relationship if he does not trust me and I do not trust him? Should we lie to us constantly and go out of the way? "
" Then you tell him you're pregnant. Is not as if that was your fault alone. Sure, it was a bit stupid, but things happen "
" It's not just any fetus damn, man! why I feel not so. I feel nothing. "My breathing was rapid and I was suddenly on her. The new position seemed not to like - lots of shadows behind her thick eyelashes - but they remained sitting on the floor, staring up at me curiously. "I feel nothing. I know I should love him and I will, too. I will love him and I will trust him and I want to trust myself and I want and have the dream of some happy future in my head. But I can not. I do not feel good enough. I do not feel like I would deserve to have him. Something to have. "
" You're talking shit. All of that is not Price, you have to fight for. "
" BUT IT IS ! "Pause. Inhalation. Pause. Exhale. Pause. Inhalation. Pause. Exhale. Pause. Inhalation. "You know that perfectly well. I look at myself and I hate myself. Why should any of it, what should I get or could get, get, should get? Why? Look at me. Do I look like a person who can love you? The trust can be "
" I love you "Before I could respond to anything -. and I was stunned, bewildered mad - she got up and piled up in front of me. With folded arms. Defensive. "And now rumzuheulen stop it."
"That has no meaning," I hissed, "is not absolute. What do you think, what you feel - what anyone thinks about me and feels. Do you think this has a meaning for me? I wish it would have. I wish I could believe. I wish I could see and understand things. But. There. Go. Simple. Not. "
She lowered her eyes. In the child's shame. Then in the repressed anger.
"I hate me while I feel absolutely nothing . Does this make sense? No, it does not. I mean - think about it again. People think they love me. People think they want me. People use me, hold me and then she left me. My father wanted me as a child never left, and now - oh, miracle - he dies. Leave me. Again. "I lifted a finger and she lifted her gaze. "And you Our friendship - relationship - not just a past with rose bushes. And he. He says he loves me. But I do not let. Look at him. He is wonderful. He's great. He is - if you disregard all of our crap - perfect. For me. And I wonder - why? He he .. he ... I've ruined him. He is desperate. Overwhelmed. Bathed in my self-loathing. And now I have to be ... his genes in me and I do not love it and I do not want it and I know full well that I will never. "
" Is not that what love is? "Asked the Queen "Use each other and suck like halbverdurstete mosquitoes?"
"If it is," I retorted, "I have no use for him, right? Death lurks in my arms. Because I am not able to give someone what he or she deserves. I am worthless. A worthless , stupid whore . "
you weighed the words in their hands like rotten fruit from "If you think so, then why are you even still together with him?"
"You know me," I turned around and climbed down the stairs. "Masochist and sadist at the same time - at its best."
And it was true, right? Rather common, as the only swallowed by the waves to be.
fled Maybe it I, where I some thoughts - many thought all thoughts - ranked anxieties, fears and desires for trust in the same rickety, dusty chest deep in my head, in the even any memories of better - worse - Day in the mouths of hungry moths melted away and eventually disappeared.
because it made a difference to know who had rammed the knife of lies first in a broken heart? Did it make any difference to know who was first to notice the Vertrauenstod and climbed over the mouldering corpse?
After times of failure and promotion, of chaos and unrest, the changes are applied, the claws of the dark abyss of naked feet tied, was at some point the alienation and the realization that love alone was enough. That love alone would never be enough. That love alone - it is still so pink and beautiful and soulful and powerful, and completely across - was not enough to show the path that lay before you, continue to cross together.
We sang still, wrong, two pitches too high - or too dark - taken out of the rhythm and the same song. But we no longer reached. The sirens had begun their deadly silence, their shrill voices still echoed in our ears, hearts, heads, and with a smile we jumped hand in hand into the dark sea in which we were once swimming, drowned in our inability to identify the truth see, died in the arms of the past that gently caressed us. But I ignored
it. Blind eyes, silent calls, numb reality.
And he remained silent.
Days passed. Weeks passed. Months flew. A season after another greeted the world with a radiant smile and bright every dark moment of new beginning, it seemed only like the orchestra sounded loose and falling, dry autumn leaves.
Hello, her depression. As you tell me you had dulled with your destructive, wild dances. As the tumor from my trouble and pain every day in me swelled and lifted the spirits. As the concerns seemed insurmountable tower. How worthless those gray-blue eyes in the mirror staring back.
I earned it at all, to be loved? I earned it to be? I earned it a part of something much bigger to exist? And no when I lay under the queen and she scratched the sore skin. And no when I was sitting on the lion and met your lips to dry. And no, no, no when I watched the two rulers from afar and imagined what it was when the lightning struck on the thunder. No when I knelt in front of my father - submissive, small, childlike, so small, small, small - and it tried to heal, to better strengthen. No when I huddled in the corner lounged me himself hated, punished, corroded.
I earned it at all to live? In life, to dwell, but where I was dead inside for so long? to own life?
"No," I said aloud.
"What?" In the eyes of the Queen danced a brief moment, a laugh, before it is hidden behind the back of panic.
"No, no, no, no, no ."
"It was just a suggestion." I watched her hesitantly raised his arm and then let it fall again. Instead, they offered me consolation in the shape of her cigarette. "Only one alternative. Calm down. "
" No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no -"
"If you're still so hysterical herumschreist, I hit you one."
I snatched from the burning cigarette her hand, sat on the floor screwed up, just the face. "Can you please exceptionally any sexual benefits drawn from my anguish?"
you smiled. Getting warmed up. Honest. Compassionate. And then cold again. Sarcastic. Pejorative. In her pupils black shadows danced by indefinable feelings. "So, what do you do instead?" She wondered. The few seconds seemed like centuries. "Three syllables, ends with -ung, rhymes with"
Yes. I mean ... no. I mean, yes . Yes. "Another pause. "Yes, yes, yes. Yes. And I will not tell him. Neither do you. Got it? "
She shrugged her shoulders bored. "One thing is between you. I support you in all your decisions. "I once again drew on his cigarette and pushed it from my side. She watched me and added, "Even if I do not exactly, um, nice find. Not that I would bet my cigarette supply it, but I think he will not just be amazed when you tell him later casually - , oh, you remember, then, in December, two weeks where I did not want to sleep with you? Because I had just aborted our child. Sorry. Good luck next time ' Something in me says that he will not dismiss an exception with a nod. Could be my crazy human nature. "
" Or the voices in your head, "I added. She shrugged her shoulders again, this time with a gentle smile. "And secondly - there will be no next time."
"I've always said, then followed, during my first pregnancy ... "A wrong defined head, a nostalgic sigh from a hysterical giggle. "God, you know what strikes me? I was pregnant earlier this year and now it's you. This is just like that. "Moaning. " Karma, baby "
"No suitable time for jokes."
"You also have a stick in the ass and are a grouch. Be glad. You have life in you. Fucking fucking miracle. Your eyes always shine - oh, you cry. Sorry. "
We were silent for a long time to us. The queen was playing with her hair, humming to himself, and I sat on the ground before her and cried because - because I was crying ... really?
"Look," she said, between the fifth and sixth cigarette and threw the man who gave us a disapproving look as he entered the medical building to an annoyed look. "Everything is fine. You take the appointment. I accompany you to any crap that you need to clarify before and after. I am there. And then - it just nothing happened. Not a word to him. "
the last sentence struck me in the face with a force, worse than any slap, which I had been given in life ever. "That's the point. , Not a word to him, ". Understand you? "I licked my lips and tasted the disappointment and suddenly the rage in the tears ran down my face constantly. "We no longer communicate. He hides things. I hide it matters. What does this make sense? Should be so a relationship if he does not trust me and I do not trust him? Should we lie to us constantly and go out of the way? "
" Then you tell him you're pregnant. Is not as if that was your fault alone. Sure, it was a bit stupid, but things happen "
" It's not just any fetus damn, man! why I feel not so. I feel nothing. "My breathing was rapid and I was suddenly on her. The new position seemed not to like - lots of shadows behind her thick eyelashes - but they remained sitting on the floor, staring up at me curiously. "I feel nothing. I know I should love him and I will, too. I will love him and I will trust him and I want to trust myself and I want and have the dream of some happy future in my head. But I can not. I do not feel good enough. I do not feel like I would deserve to have him. Something to have. "
" You're talking shit. All of that is not Price, you have to fight for. "
" BUT IT IS ! "Pause. Inhalation. Pause. Exhale. Pause. Inhalation. Pause. Exhale. Pause. Inhalation. "You know that perfectly well. I look at myself and I hate myself. Why should any of it, what should I get or could get, get, should get? Why? Look at me. Do I look like a person who can love you? The trust can be "
" I love you "Before I could respond to anything -. and I was stunned, bewildered mad - she got up and piled up in front of me. With folded arms. Defensive. "And now rumzuheulen stop it."
"That has no meaning," I hissed, "is not absolute. What do you think, what you feel - what anyone thinks about me and feels. Do you think this has a meaning for me? I wish it would have. I wish I could believe. I wish I could see and understand things. But. There. Go. Simple. Not. "
She lowered her eyes. In the child's shame. Then in the repressed anger.
"I hate me while I feel absolutely nothing . Does this make sense? No, it does not. I mean - think about it again. People think they love me. People think they want me. People use me, hold me and then she left me. My father wanted me as a child never left, and now - oh, miracle - he dies. Leave me. Again. "I lifted a finger and she lifted her gaze. "And you Our friendship - relationship - not just a past with rose bushes. And he. He says he loves me. But I do not let. Look at him. He is wonderful. He's great. He is - if you disregard all of our crap - perfect. For me. And I wonder - why? He he .. he ... I've ruined him. He is desperate. Overwhelmed. Bathed in my self-loathing. And now I have to be ... his genes in me and I do not love it and I do not want it and I know full well that I will never. "
" Is not that what love is? "Asked the Queen "Use each other and suck like halbverdurstete mosquitoes?"
"If it is," I retorted, "I have no use for him, right? Death lurks in my arms. Because I am not able to give someone what he or she deserves. I am worthless. A worthless , stupid whore . "
you weighed the words in their hands like rotten fruit from "If you think so, then why are you even still together with him?"
"You know me," I turned around and climbed down the stairs. "Masochist and sadist at the same time - at its best."
And it was true, right? Rather common, as the only swallowed by the waves to be.
0 comments:
Post a Comment