There are many moments that I have stuck in my head, scenarios that I even can play for years to such an old video before my eyes again and again, every single little detail as sharp as a knife, every emotion pulsing in motley colors, each movement, the seemingly unimportant act always the same.
My earliest memory goes back years and yet I find myself, when I close my eyes and just think, again in our time as simply furnished living room, sitting on the floor and playing with an old teddy bear in a green dress I had put my mother. The air smells of roses, burnt food, crackling wood in the fireplace, which does not burn a long time.
It's just after Easter. Right next to the TV are unopened letters from relatives, halbaufgegessene chocolate chips, an inverted, broken picture frames, the still has not replaced or repaired. Outside, there is heat, perhaps even a gentle pre-summer heat. The house is cold - at least I am shaking like a wet dog.
My mother and my father - in my child's perception still falls head over heels, but maybe they were not in a long time - bow down to me stress me gently on the red-blond hair and spoke with a feather-light voice with me. I smile, I laugh and they laugh with me.
you bring me a hairy, small, even tiny creatures. It is striped meows, sluggish, tired looks and stares at me with a curious look. "The kitten is now yours," says my father and I take care of the teddy bear from his hand. The cat and I look long into the eyes, just watching us fall in love a little.
Shortly thereafter, a different picture before my eyes that has to do with the previous memory hardly anything. There are years between them. The cat is in my lap purring, softly and nudges me to stop.
insignificant, unimportant, insignificant and yet so clear. Then a different feeling - while the same - just another movie in my overcrowded Head, which is always a self-employed.
I pulled out the black marker and drew a heart on her bare, flat stomach. The legs of the Queen dangled loosely over the bed, she swung her arms in a trance over her head from side to side, not even begin to match the rhythm of the song, which ran for two hours on repeat.
"Done," I cried enthusiastically, looked at the small work of art that I had perpetuated on her body and then he pressed a light kiss on her navel. "Maybe you're lucky, the color seeps through and your baby comes with a rainbow on the front to the world."
"It is beautiful even without the rainbow, "she said süßlächelnd," is finally half my Genhaufen. "
" Are you afraid? "
" Of what? Before Mama shit, "she asked, her hands and lowered his clasped together over her stomach. I nodded in response. "I do not know. Yes. No. Maybe. I still have time get used to it. A lot of time. Eternal time. "
" How do you say? Time flies like the only way. "Listening to your regular breath, I leaned back and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I think you'll be a good mother."
"You think so?"
"I'm actually pretty sure." Her smile was so radiant that I could perceive it even through the closed eyelid. "And if you're mom, then we heard on the whole crap, okay? I mean, with the alcohol, the tilting, the drugs and parties. "
" we are. Together. "She put on my burning cigarette, which was resting in the ashtray and then pressed it, the smoke from blowing out. "We should probably just stop now with everything."
"You think so?"
"I think so."
"Then ... Today is the last time, yes? From tomorrow we are clean and sober and smoke-free. "
cackled The Queen. "This all sounds easy. And beautiful. "Stabbing your eyes met mine. "And we create this, we always manage everything, right? . We are warriors, "
course we both knew that we told each other tales - fairy tale in which there were princes on white horses, their cheerfully silly princesses from the tower, the one-eyed witch liberated. Of course, we both knew that any of us was ready for it to leave the dark forest and heroes to be. But we - somewhere in the head, in mind, the heart still sleepy little children who clung to her new kitten or the new Barbie doll - believed only to happy to magic forests, magic, of optimism, of happy ends, glittering colorful tales.
your black-painted finger nails painted invisible circles, triangles, letters and stories of undying love in my neck as I said the powder in small lines on her stomach and then pulled through the nose.
No noticeable cut. No black screen. No background music. No nervous protagonist. No Hollywood. No fairy tale. No prince. No princess. No truth. No idylls. No utopias. No end.
I was sitting at the end of a bed with orange linen. The room furnishings sparse. The white walls bare, not covered with pictures of anonymous musicians. Silence. Biting silence. Suffocating silence. Poisonous silence.
The fox stood with folded arms in the doorway. "Do you drink?"
"No, thank you," I answered quietly, anxiously, "but'll kill her, perhaps some tea."
He nodded, looked terribly tense, then disappeared in the corridor had to leave us alone . The queen sat silently - pale, almost green in the face - on the bed, her legs drawn to her body, her eyes clouded-resistant, cold, disapproving of not weeping tears. ". I do not want tea"
"You have not eaten anything today, he said - and yesterday apparently little," I replied, still quiet, still anxious, "You need your strength and" When I saw that they no longer listened, I broke off the sentence and put my hands in his lap, sighed loudly.
I felt relieved remarkable remarkably well and the visit along with the fake compassion bit bored me so much that my conscience, according to things in his ear, in his head, roared into the heart. Things that I was clear. Things that I knew that they should offend and confuse me. Things which I do not care.
The fox came back shortly afterwards with a cup of tea brühendheißem. The Queen did not look up once.
In the kitchen I was sitting opposite him at the little table and smoked chain. "I wish I could help her in some way - be a support, be an anchor," he said with a deep sad voice - I would almost laugh, "but they can not I ran itself. Maybe we should both be finished somehow. "
" You can not tell me that you dream you have ideas about a suburban house with a dog house and swing you had pushed in the garden, "I replied," abortion is normal. You will come across about it and you too. "
" We had just got, you know? "He looked at me and looked right through me. "In a better future. For me, for them, for us. New beginning. On a baby. On our baby. "
home I knelt before the bar and drowned my joy that I lose that I do not stay alone, lying in the dirt, and anything else that I would have a long time in alcohol. I got drunk and stoned and drunk and puke and puke and stoned me - until I was empty inside and forgot the fact that it probably was probably just in her bed and wept violently, her whole body trembling, shaking, dancing to the rhythm of their songs.
eject cartridge.
My earliest memory goes back years and yet I find myself, when I close my eyes and just think, again in our time as simply furnished living room, sitting on the floor and playing with an old teddy bear in a green dress I had put my mother. The air smells of roses, burnt food, crackling wood in the fireplace, which does not burn a long time.
It's just after Easter. Right next to the TV are unopened letters from relatives, halbaufgegessene chocolate chips, an inverted, broken picture frames, the still has not replaced or repaired. Outside, there is heat, perhaps even a gentle pre-summer heat. The house is cold - at least I am shaking like a wet dog.
My mother and my father - in my child's perception still falls head over heels, but maybe they were not in a long time - bow down to me stress me gently on the red-blond hair and spoke with a feather-light voice with me. I smile, I laugh and they laugh with me.
you bring me a hairy, small, even tiny creatures. It is striped meows, sluggish, tired looks and stares at me with a curious look. "The kitten is now yours," says my father and I take care of the teddy bear from his hand. The cat and I look long into the eyes, just watching us fall in love a little.
Shortly thereafter, a different picture before my eyes that has to do with the previous memory hardly anything. There are years between them. The cat is in my lap purring, softly and nudges me to stop.
insignificant, unimportant, insignificant and yet so clear. Then a different feeling - while the same - just another movie in my overcrowded Head, which is always a self-employed.
I pulled out the black marker and drew a heart on her bare, flat stomach. The legs of the Queen dangled loosely over the bed, she swung her arms in a trance over her head from side to side, not even begin to match the rhythm of the song, which ran for two hours on repeat.
"Done," I cried enthusiastically, looked at the small work of art that I had perpetuated on her body and then he pressed a light kiss on her navel. "Maybe you're lucky, the color seeps through and your baby comes with a rainbow on the front to the world."
"It is beautiful even without the rainbow, "she said süßlächelnd," is finally half my Genhaufen. "
" Are you afraid? "
" Of what? Before Mama shit, "she asked, her hands and lowered his clasped together over her stomach. I nodded in response. "I do not know. Yes. No. Maybe. I still have time get used to it. A lot of time. Eternal time. "
" How do you say? Time flies like the only way. "Listening to your regular breath, I leaned back and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I think you'll be a good mother."
"You think so?"
"I'm actually pretty sure." Her smile was so radiant that I could perceive it even through the closed eyelid. "And if you're mom, then we heard on the whole crap, okay? I mean, with the alcohol, the tilting, the drugs and parties. "
" we are. Together. "She put on my burning cigarette, which was resting in the ashtray and then pressed it, the smoke from blowing out. "We should probably just stop now with everything."
"You think so?"
"I think so."
"Then ... Today is the last time, yes? From tomorrow we are clean and sober and smoke-free. "
cackled The Queen. "This all sounds easy. And beautiful. "Stabbing your eyes met mine. "And we create this, we always manage everything, right? . We are warriors, "
course we both knew that we told each other tales - fairy tale in which there were princes on white horses, their cheerfully silly princesses from the tower, the one-eyed witch liberated. Of course, we both knew that any of us was ready for it to leave the dark forest and heroes to be. But we - somewhere in the head, in mind, the heart still sleepy little children who clung to her new kitten or the new Barbie doll - believed only to happy to magic forests, magic, of optimism, of happy ends, glittering colorful tales.
your black-painted finger nails painted invisible circles, triangles, letters and stories of undying love in my neck as I said the powder in small lines on her stomach and then pulled through the nose.
No noticeable cut. No black screen. No background music. No nervous protagonist. No Hollywood. No fairy tale. No prince. No princess. No truth. No idylls. No utopias. No end.
I was sitting at the end of a bed with orange linen. The room furnishings sparse. The white walls bare, not covered with pictures of anonymous musicians. Silence. Biting silence. Suffocating silence. Poisonous silence.
The fox stood with folded arms in the doorway. "Do you drink?"
"No, thank you," I answered quietly, anxiously, "but'll kill her, perhaps some tea."
He nodded, looked terribly tense, then disappeared in the corridor had to leave us alone . The queen sat silently - pale, almost green in the face - on the bed, her legs drawn to her body, her eyes clouded-resistant, cold, disapproving of not weeping tears. ". I do not want tea"
"You have not eaten anything today, he said - and yesterday apparently little," I replied, still quiet, still anxious, "You need your strength and" When I saw that they no longer listened, I broke off the sentence and put my hands in his lap, sighed loudly.
I felt relieved remarkable remarkably well and the visit along with the fake compassion bit bored me so much that my conscience, according to things in his ear, in his head, roared into the heart. Things that I was clear. Things that I knew that they should offend and confuse me. Things which I do not care.
The fox came back shortly afterwards with a cup of tea brühendheißem. The Queen did not look up once.
In the kitchen I was sitting opposite him at the little table and smoked chain. "I wish I could help her in some way - be a support, be an anchor," he said with a deep sad voice - I would almost laugh, "but they can not I ran itself. Maybe we should both be finished somehow. "
" You can not tell me that you dream you have ideas about a suburban house with a dog house and swing you had pushed in the garden, "I replied," abortion is normal. You will come across about it and you too. "
" We had just got, you know? "He looked at me and looked right through me. "In a better future. For me, for them, for us. New beginning. On a baby. On our baby. "
home I knelt before the bar and drowned my joy that I lose that I do not stay alone, lying in the dirt, and anything else that I would have a long time in alcohol. I got drunk and stoned and drunk and puke and puke and stoned me - until I was empty inside and forgot the fact that it probably was probably just in her bed and wept violently, her whole body trembling, shaking, dancing to the rhythm of their songs.
eject cartridge.
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